TODDLER
Curb Annoying Toddler Behaviour With "Kind Ignoring"
To curb persistent annoying toddler behaviour, try this mild consequence.
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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TODDLER
Written by
Dr. Harvey Karp
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Communicating with respect, setting limits, and finding win-win compromises can stop many annoying toddler behaviours. But if you have done your best and your toddler is still defying you, it is time for you to use the next tool: a mild consequence, like a clap growl or kind ignoring.
When your child is scared or hurt, you should do everything you can to soothe her. But there are two situations where your attention actually prolongs upsets:
In both of these situations, you need to remove the 'spotlight' (your attention) and do some kind ignoring.
Kind ignoring is giving your child a teensy cold shoulder to nudge her back to cooperation. Now, when I say 'ignore' I do not mean you should be rude or cruel or turn your back on really bad behaviour. This type of ignoring also should not be done when your child is frightened, hurt, or genuinely sad. But when you feel your child is being unreasonable and stubborn, a little kind ignoring can be perfect.
Kind ignoring has three steps. You should expect that it will take a little practice for you to get the hang of it… and for your toddler to realise that whining does not work anymore.
Narrate her actions and feelings like a sportscaster (do not forget to aim for her sweet spot). 'You are sad …sad…sad! Your face is sad and you are mad! You want to jump on the table, but Daddy said, "No, no, no!" So now you are on the floor crying.'
If your toddler continues whining, withdraw your attention with kindness. 'You are crying and mad! Daddy loves you so much, you go ahead and cry, and I will be right back!' Then walk to the other side of the room or sit right by your child but pretend not to look at her.
Now act busy for 20 seconds (not so much to make her panic but enough to make your point).
Key point: As soon as your child stops the annoyance, promptly return, lovingly echo her feelings again, and then offer your message of reassurance, explanation, etc. Finally, feed the meter (hug, give attention, play, or play the boob) for a minute to reward her cooperation.
If your child continues the annoying 'yellow-light' behaviour, return when the 20 seconds are up and repeat steps 1 and 2 a few times until your uncivilised friend starts to calm down.
If your child is particularly stubborn, her crying may persist despite several attempts at kind ignoring. In that case, turn your back for a longer time—a minute or two—until she quiets. Once she calms, return and try to engage her in some play. (Do not be surprised if she resists at first. She may need to ignore you for a few minutes to save her pride.)
Warning: When you first try kind ignoring the pestering may temporarily get worse before it gets better. Psychologists call this an extinction burst. Your child thinks, Hmmm . . . whining always worked before. Maybe Mum just did not hear me. I better follow her into the next room and yell louder so she hears me! But stick with it and you will soon see big improvements.
If the misbehaviour persists, or escalates, despite kind ignoring, you are now in a red-light situation. This requires a stronger 'take-charge' consequence, like time-out. Other behaviours that warrant a 'take-charge' consequence include any actions that are dangerous or aggressive or that break an important family rule.
Disclaimer: The information on our site is NOT medical advice for any specific person or condition. It is only meant as general information. If you have any medical questions and concerns about your child or yourself, please contact your health provider. Breastmilk is the best source of nutrition for babies. It is important that, in preparation for and during breastfeeding, mothers eat a healthy, balanced diet. Combined breast- and bottle-feeding in the first weeks of life may reduce the supply of a mother's breastmilk and reversing the decision not to breastfeed is difficult. If you do decide to use infant formula, you should follow instructions carefully.
