Use the ‘Fast-Food Rule’ to Deal with an Upset Toddler

How to Deal with an Angry Child

The Fast-Food Rule is the golden rule for communicating with anyone who’s upset. I promise: You’ll be amazed how it works on everyone—from toddlers to teens to temperamental spouses.

In a nutshell, the Fast-Food Rule says: Whenever you talk to someone who’s upset, always repeat his feelings first…before offering your own comments or advice.

How the Fast-Food Rule Works to Calm an Angry Child:

Fast-food joints may have their problems, but they do one thing incredibly well: communicating with customers.

Imagine you’re hungry. You pull up to the restaurant order window and a voice crackles over the speaker, “Can I help you?” You answer, “A burger and fries, please.”

Now…tell me what do you think the order-taker will say back to you?

• “What’s the matter, too lazy to cook tonight?”
• “You should get 2 burgers, you look hungry.”
• “That’s 5 dollars, please drive forward.”

The answer is none of the above!

The very first thing she will do is repeat your order to you. She does this because she needs to make sure she understands exactly what you want (“Okay, that’s a burger and fries. Anything to drink?”) before she takes her turn: “That’s 5 dollars. Please drive up front.”

Normal conversations have a simple back-and-forth pattern. When we talk, we take turns (“I like chocolate!” “Me too! I love chocolate!”).

But this pattern changes dramatically when one person is upset.

How to Help an Angry Child Calm Down With the Fast-Food Rule

The rule for talking to someone who’s upset or angry is: Whoever is most upset talks first (and gets an extra-long turn to vent). The other person listens patiently and repeats back his feelings with care and interest (“Wow! What she did really made you angry!”). Only then does the friend get a turn to say what she thinks about the situation.