How to Handle Toddler Separation Anxiety

When your little one begs you not to abandon them at preschool (or at the babysitter’s or at bedtime), it can be tough to handle. Sad eyes and clingy pleas really pull at the heartstrings!

Tools for Handling Separation Worries

The Fast-Food Rule + Toddler-ese. Narrating your child’s feelings with a bit of intensity to hit their sweet spot—this helps them feel accepted and safe.

Patience-Stretching. Practice the following three techniques for several days to help prepare your child for easier separations. Start with a few seconds and gradually increase to a minute. They’ll quickly learn that waiting is cool because when they’re patient they usually get what they want.

Fairy Tales. Prepare your child for what is to come by telling little stories in which Mommy goes away…but always comes back.

“Once upon a time there was a little birdie named Fluffy who worried when her mommy flew away to find breakfast. She said, ‘Don’t go, Mommy!’ But her mommy had to leave...for just a super-duper fast minute. So Fluffy waited and sang songs with her teddy bear until Mommy came back. Mommy always came back, and then Fluffy felt happy and safe. ‘Yea! Mommy’s home!’ the little birdie cheered, and her mom gave her lots of kisses...and some big juicy worms to eat.”

Loveys. Loveys are terrific for kids with separation issues. Encourage your tot to make friends with a lovey. If your older toddler hasn’t yet taken to one, offer a special charm (like a bracelet, magic coin, photo) that they can touch and look at whenever they miss you.

It’s a good idea to practice these at home when your tyke is calm and happy—rather than springing them on your little one when they’re stressed.

Putting It All Together

After practicing the above techniques at home for several days, here’s how to use them to respond to your child’s protests at daycare or preschool. I call this combination of tools “Mommy Interruptus.”

Start by Connecting with Respect. Give hugs and echo your child’s concerns in a sincere voice with lots of repetition: “You say, ‘No! No, No!!! No school! No go, Mommy!’ ”Once your tot calms a bit, give them a little time-in (play, read, or sit together as you describe what other kids are wearing and doing).